Tag Archives: insecurity

If everyone is insecure, what can we do about it?

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This post continues from my previous post, The root of insecurity.

What’s the solution to the prevalence of leaders operating out of insecurity? Spotting it in the leader of a country or company is no better than being an armchair warrior; we can’t do anything about it, and may not be in a position to raise our concerns in a constructive manner. So in this post, we’ll focus on what we have control over. We’ll look first at our own leadership and then discuss how to help develop those we supervise or influence.

Leading ourselves

Chip Ingram says the solution to insecurity is unmasking. In other words, being honest and bringing doubts, anxieties and weaknesses into the light. The starting point is to be honest with ourselves about what’s driving our behavior or reactions. Leading oneself is the first job of leadership, so reflect on the following questions: 

  • Which of the behaviors in my last post are you most tempted toward?
  • The last time you exhibited one of those symptoms, why do you think you responded the way you did?
  • When is the last time you overreacted to something? What triggered that response? 

To lead yourself, it’s important to understand your weaknesses, your tendencies toward sin and temptation, and the dark sides of your strengths.* 

Second, you need to be honest with God. As much as we might fault Moses for his excuses and finally begging God to send someone else, that honesty was a great starting point. Not for God, who already knows it. If he’s called us to something, it’s with full knowledge of the complete package of the one he has called. 

Acknowledgement of our insecurities keeps us in a strong dependent posture. When Moses says it out loud, it’s an important baseline in his relationship with God. Realizing he knows the worst about us invites new levels of unpretentious intimacy. It then leads to a greater appreciation of our position as children of God, loved and accepted without having to earn that status. 

My mentor Sunder Krishnan once said in teaching about Isaiah 24,

To be loved by someone who doesn’t know our dark side isn’t much consolation. “If only they knew what I am really like” plagues us. Conversely, to be known for who we really are, and hence not loved, confirms our worst fears about ourselves, that we are intrinsically unlovable. BUT, to be truly known for who we are and still to be loved is an unbelievably valuable gift. It is this gift that God wants to give us when He, through Isaiah, calls us to in-depth exploration of our sin in all of its ugliness so we can hate it as we should and confess it.

That understanding of being “beloved” is a game changer in how vulnerable we can be with others. I’m still learning. Internalizing that truth was one of my focuses over the past year.

Leading others

Now you need to model vulnerability based on the work you’ve done in private. As Patrick Lencioni says in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, trust within a team is established through uncomfortable honesty, and a team cannot achieve vulnerability-based trust unless the leader goes first. Others will feel safe to be vulnerable if the leader is willing to risk losing face. So, rather than covering up, join Chip Ingram in refusing to play the game. Let your team know when you’re feeling insecure, or let them see the real you when you would normally put on a mask.

This is the primary focus of one of my favorite leadership books, Leading With a Limp. Dan Allender says,

Why do most leaders live in fear that they will one day be discovered and known, exposed and humiliated? They know they’re a mess, but they hope against hope that no one else will notice (56)…. The more honest I name what is true about myself, the less I need to hide and defend and posture and pretend (152).

There are a number of benefits, including these:

  1. Disrupting the downward spiral of hiding. “This is the strange paradox of leading: to the degree you attempt to hide or dissemble your weaknesses, the more you will need to control those you lead, the more insecure you will become, and the more rigidity you will impose” (3).
  2. Preaching grace through leadership. When leaders make their weakness clear, “it is through their weakness that grace comes to be magnified. Weakness is the big idea of the gospel” (54).
  3. Challenging others to honesty. “Why admit your failures publicly? First, doing so invites others—by the Spirit’s prompting—to look more honestly at their own need for forgiveness, freedom, and courage” (p173).

However, Allender warns that vulnerability is a big risk for a leader. “To admit we are foolish, weak, and in need of repentance gives the vindictive and self-righteous camp plenty of ammunition to turn against us and to turn others against our leadership” (160). It turns the common model of leadership on its head.

Here is God’s leadership model: he chooses fools to live foolishly in order to reveal the economy of heaven, which reverses and inverts the wisdom of this world. He calls us to brokenness, not performance; to relationships, not commotion; to grace, not success. It is no wonder that this kind of leadership is neither spoken of nor admired in our business schools or even our seminaries (p55).

So, count the cost, tread carefully, and proceed with courage! 

Second, it’s important to recognize the tendencies, biases and motivations of those you lead—what has shaped them, where they hope to grow and how well they’re dealing with others. It will help you interpret reactions that are out of character. Recognizing the different masking techniques of members of your team will enable you to support them well and develop their character.

When you see a direct report overreacting because of an insecurity, you can’t afford to leave it alone if it affects their work. Ignoring or overlooking it could lead to a bigger problem in the future. Pray for insight and gently ask if they know why they reacted that way. A foundation of care and vulnerability-based trust should allow them to open up. 

Wrapping up

Take a look at Hebrews 11, the so-called “Hall of Faith.” It’s noteworthy to see how many of these insecure leaders are given pedestals for their faith: Abraham, Moses, Gideon, Barak, Jephthah and the prophets. Their insecurities didn’t define them, and neither did their masks. God was able to use them just as they were to accomplish great things and to lead others well.

I admit I haven’t perfectly followed this advice, or at least to the extremes Allender promotes. However, to the degree that I’ve implemented this way of leading, I’ve seen remarkable results. Almost every time I’ve admitted weakness or sought forgiveness, I’ve seen trust strengthened and received grace I didn’t deserve while also releasing some of the burden of leadership. How about you? I’d love to hear about your attempts to put these ideas into practice.

* See The Dark Side of Your Strengths, based on the book, Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership

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The root of insecurity

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How much damage is caused by insecure leaders?

So many behaviors in leaders can be traced back to a basic insecurity and the leader’s attempts to compensate for it. As I mentioned in my last post, Chip Ingram says there are weak and strong responses—an idea he credits to an out-of-print book by a Swiss Christian psychologist, Paul Tournier: The Strong and the Weak.

I’m not a psychologist, but let me try to use Tournier’s and Ingram’s thoughts to trace a few of the manifestations back to this core weakness. Rather than point at current-day figures, I’m going to draw on Scriptural examples and let you apply them to what you see in the world around you, whether it’s celebrities, political leaders or supervisors in your organization. Or in yourself.

Strong responses

Some cloak themselves by “powering up”:

  • Putting enormous effort into their appearance
  • Having an excessive need to count—how big their church is, how many people report to them, or how fast they’re growing
  • Gathering status symbols like cars, electronics or a network
  • Flashing wealth in various ways, including name dropping
  • Taking credit and seeking acclaim
  • Bragging and demonstrating arrogance
  • Aggression and intimidation through anger, threats, blaming and creating power imbalances
  • Other forms of attempts to control, such as manipulation and passive aggressiveness

A few Biblical examples stand out for me.

  1. Ahab is an abusive king featured in 1 Kings 17-22 who, along with his wife Jezebel, kills the Lord’s prophets and leads the nation into sin. But there’s one moment when Ahab opens up about his deep insecurity. When Naboth stands up to him and doesn’t let him push him aside, the king sulks and stops eating (1 Ki 21:4-6). Only Jezebel sees his vulnerable state and steps in with a brutal display of authority that keeps the mask intact for those under their thumb.
  2. In Isaiah 22:15-23, God calls out Shebna, King Hezekiah’s palace administrator, for his flashy chariot and for the tomb he’s building for himself. Was he insecure? He was an outsider, a foreigner appointed to a high position of leadership, and one possible meaning of his name is “uncertain” (Biblegateway Encyclopedia of the Bible). It seems likely that he tried to cover his imposter syndrome by projecting his status and through a clumsy attempt to leave a legacy.
  3. When we first learn of King Saul, he downplays his status (1 Samuel 9:19-10:1) and then hides in the baggage to avoid appointment as king (1 Sam 10:20-24). His insecurity presents as humility, but we soon discover a leader who has a weakness for people pleasing (1 Sam 15:24-30) and feels threatened when another is celebrated (1 Sam 18:7-9). His jealousy leads him to a vindictive hunt to kill David, his protege, and slaughters priests when they help him. 
  4. Jacob always comes in second place. He is a twin who fights unsuccessfully with his brother to get out of the womb first and then misses out on the favor of his father (Gen 25:22-28). His desire for approval leads to an over-competitive disposition and a lifelong tendency toward manipulation and deceit. He tricks his favored brother out of his firstborn birthright (Gen 25:29-34) and blessing (Gen 27), he bests his uncle in a battle of deceit (Gen 29-31), and he even wrestles with God (Gen 32:22-32). While his family members are all impacted by his actions, the worst thing is that he sets the stage for an entire nation (Gen 25:23, Gen 32:28, Gen 37, Hosea 12) who will wrestle with God.
  5. In the New Testament, King Herod demonstrates a similar pattern of jealous abuse of power as he tries to kill the newborn Messiah (Matthew 2:13-16). And Pontius Pilate demonstrates indecisiveness and fear of the people (Mark 15:1-15) that leads him to give in to crucifying the Messiah.

With those examples in mind, can you spot similar tendencies in some current-day leaders?

Weak responses

There is another, opposite way of cloaking insecurity, with so-called “weak responses”:

  • Presenting extreme humility, over-apologizing or perhaps demonstrating a victim mentality to gain sympathy
  • Withdrawing and pursuing isolation to avoid potential rejection, perhaps avoiding people or eye contact
  • Protective or superficial responses, to dodge introspection or disclosure
  • Defensiveness or avoiding feedback mechanisms
  • Deflection of any hint of depth through humor or sarcasm, or dismissing compliments
  • People-pleasing in a desire for validation or to avoid upsetting others. In leadership, this can come out in deferral of decisions or difficult conversations.

While there are plenty of examples in Scripture, this blog is focusing on those in leadership. Here are some examples from the Bible:

  1. Twice Abraham tells self-protective half truths to save himself, putting his wife Sarai in a risky position (Gen 12:10-20, 20:1-18). While he could rationalize his actions, because he had married his half sister, his actions undermine his credibility, cause his wife harm and bring plagues against innocent rulers of other nations.
  2. After Moses fails in his first attempt at leadership, he isolates himself in the wilderness—for 40 years!—leading sheep instead of people (Ex 2:11-15,3:1). When God calls him to a place of prominent leadership, he fights and fights that calling with multiple arguments, self-deprecating beliefs and even begging (Ex 3:11-4:13).
  3. Moses’ brother Aaron caves in to the demands of the people when his brother disappears for 40 days on Mount Sinai (Ex 32). He lets the people break loose, creates a golden idol that leads them to sin and abdicates responsibility when confronted with his role (Ex 32:21-25). His actions lead to a brutal punishment against the people he had been responsible for.
  4. Jephthah was a man forced into exile by his family because of his illegitimate birth until they needed a warrior to lead them as judge (Judges 11:1-11). His guarded response and negotiations for guarantees are understandable in light of his background, but his leadership is derailed by his rash vow even after the Spirit of the Lord came upon him (11:29-35). It reads like a clumsy attempt to negotiate with or even manipulate God. His six years as a judge are marked by internal wars.
  5. I could also mention Jeremiah, who told God all the reasons he couldn’t use him (Jeremiah 1:4-10), and Barak, who wouldn’t lead the people without help from courageous women (Judges 4:6-10).

Tournier says the goal of either strong or weak responses is to maintain distance or create a false image so no one will know who I really am. I need to keep people away because, “If you ever knew who I was, you wouldn’t like me.”

If we were all truly honest, how many of you readers and those you lead have this basic core belief? We all need to deal with the root of insecurity before it causes deep hurt.

This post is getting a bit long, so I’m going to split it. In my next post I’ll approach the question, if everyone is insecure, what can we do about it?

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Inadequate, insecure and in charge

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For all my readers who are aspiring to high levels of leadership, I want to pull back the curtain and expose one of the biggest secrets about leaders. I share this, not to deflate high potential leaders, but to hopefully make the path more approachable.

In the eleven years I served as president of an organization, I regularly kept in mind an acronym I picked up over the years from a few different leaders. WIDIRIC stands for Woefully Inadequate, Desperately Insecure and Ridiculously in Charge. 

Woefully Inadequate

These thoughts come from Scottish pastor Alistair Begg, who gave a presentation at the Christian Leadership Alliance conference more than fifteen years ago. While I couldn’t find that presentation, I found another similar one on YouTube: Inadequacy: The Surprising Secret to Being Useful to God. 

None of us are equal to the task of leadership. Begg points out the amazing number of times the apostle Paul picks up this theme throughout his two letters to the Corinthian church. It’s clear Paul believed the secret to usefulness in ministry cannot be traced to any natural competence. It is only in leaning into our weakness and inadequacy that we find God’s strength (2 Cor 12:9-10), receive the Lord’s commendation (2 Cor 10:12,17-18), and see God produce results we couldn’t achieve on our own (1 Cor 3:6-8).

In those eleven years, I was constantly reminded of the irony that God chose a monolingual graphic designer to run a Bible translation organization. I have three letters after my name, but they aren’t much help in this organization: BFA. In half the situations I faced as president, I didn’t really know what to do. I constantly wondered whether I made the right choice, wore the right clothes, said the right things. 

And yet, I had a strong conviction that God had called me to, led me to and prepared me for this role. Realizing that I wasn’t sufficient in myself (2 Cor 3:4-6), I leaned into my collaborative style, surrounding myself with people who were smarter and more specialized than I was and fashioning a leadership team approach. I tried to approach leadership with a learning posture and dependence on God. Sure, he did use many of my strengths, but I was constantly aware that it was his power working through me that was my real hope of effectiveness. 

Desperately Insecure

This idea comes from American pastor and teacher Chip Ingram. You can read or listen to more of his thoughts at Everyone is Desperately Insecure.

Everyone is insecure, but some are better at masking it than others. Ingram says insecurity manifests in many different ways. Some withdraw and create distance from others, while some power up, boasting and intimidating others. All are ways to cover up or pull away out of fear of being unloveable or unworthy. “Strong responses” are probably more obvious in leadership positions, because people mistake bragging, testosterone and intimidation for leadership. But “weak responses,” such as defensiveness, deflection and people pleasing, are just as common.

Ingram tells the story of how, shortly after he launched his radio ministry, he was invited to attend an event sponsored by the National Religious Broadcasters in the US. He found himself in a room of Christian celebrities. With sweaty palms and heart racing, feeling completely out of place, he skipped the small talk and went straight over to his seat. 

To make things worse, he found out he was seated next to Chuck Swindoll. He said, “Picture how intimidating it would be to sit next to one of your heroes in a room full of ‘spiritual giants’ and you are the new kid on the block.” But after a few minutes, Ingram took a huge risk. He turned to Swindoll, introduced himself and confessed, “I’m real new to all of this. I’m really out of my league here, I don’t know what I’m doing and this is a very threatening environment. Do you think you could give me a few tips on how to handle myself and what to do?” Swindoll shocked him by admitting he felt the same way. In fact, he pointed out that most people in the room felt insecure as well. He took Ingram under his wing, and thirty years later, they’re still friends.

My natural tendency is not to open up about my insecurity, but hide it with an image of calm, unshakeable confidence. While I can demonstrate vulnerability, I curate my public admissions carefully while opening my indecision and doubts to very few, trusted confidants. It’s helpful to me to realize I have solidarity in my insecurity, which helps me see past the masks of others I am prone to compare myself with. In fact, I think insecurity is one of the most common weaknesses in leaders, and it’s likely the source of a lot of wounds leaders have inflicted on others.

Ingram points out that the way to defuse insecurity is by admitting it and refusing to play the game. He says the key is authenticity. The Bible is full of examples where God calls insecure people to leadership. One of my favorites is Gideon, who was completely open with God, revealing that he saw himself as the weakest link in a weak clan (Judges 6:14-16, my version). God then teaches him through a series of tests, and then a miraculous victory. His vulnerability made his example far more relevant to all of us millennia later. I’ll discuss some of other Biblical examples in my next post.

God can redeem that insecurity when we put down our fig leaves before God and others. Then do the deep soul work of understanding our security as children of God who are loved and accepted just as we are. And finally, step out in faith to follow God’s call with your meager offerings.

Ridiculously in Charge

Dr. Henry Cloud unpacks this idea in his book, Margins for Leaders, but you can find a shorter synopsis of this particular point here: Are You Ridiculously in Charge as a Leader?

In spite of all the flaws, the leader is “ridiculously in charge,” as Henry Cloud puts it. There are no excuses or blame shifting for the leader of an organization, company or church—nor for leaders at all levels. Everything in your arena of responsibility, no matter its size, happens either because you caused it or because you allowed it to happen. 

If you want a certain culture, you can create it while not tolerating undesirable actions or attitudes. If you want certain results, you can build a competent team of staff to accomplish it while holding everyone accountable to make sure it’s not undermined. 

As Moses learned from his father-in-law in Exodus 18, the larger the arena of responsibility, the more shared leadership is required. This increases complexity and requires techniques for delegating responsibilities and knowing what’s going on under your leadership. But it doesn’t change the fact that a leader owns everything: a team success, a failed initiative or a staff member acting alone. 

One way to take this phrase is that he or she is “totally” in charge. But Cloud’s memorable phrasing reminds me that, however I might feel about the absurdity of my appointment to the position and my suitability and qualification for the job, I need to own the fact God has placed me here. 

WIDIRIC

This acronym is a constant reminder that, like any humans in roles of high responsibility, I am inadequate for the task in myself. Like all humans, I have to overcome my fears and fight the instincts to cover up my insecurities with unhealthy behaviors. And it’s a call to courageously step up and take the responsibility of leadership seriously (Rom 12:8 NLT). God is still calling people to ministry and leadership who feel unqualified, but are willing to give it their best shot and learn from their mistakes. God’s promise to Moses and Gideon was the same as it is for us: “I will be with you” (Exodus 3:12, Judges 6:16, Matthew 28:20). The best leaders learn how to depend on the Holy Spirit and the power of God to work in them and through them. 

It comes down to this: all of us have fears and failures to overcome. The gospel is the only real credential any of us has for ministry. It’s who God is, not who we are, that is the difference-maker.

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